Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'm 'One of God's Finest'...Ummmm No, No I'm not

Yesterday, a coworker and I made our way to the cafeteria for lunch.  As I was deciding on what I wanted to eat...a woman I'm very familiar with asked me if she could talk to me in private.  'Sure,' I replied.  I was taken aback because her facial expression was so enigmatic, I couldn't get a bead on what it was she wanted to talk to me about.

Still, I waited with baited breath to see what it was she wanted to talk about.  Alas, she began her story by telling me she was on the floor getting her charger so she could charge her phone.  When she had risen, she began to pray for me.  And then she saw me speaking ( I thought that meant she had a vision). I queried, 'Who was I speaking to?'  She said 'a woman.'  It wasn't a 'vision' she'd had- I realized she was referring to this interview.  She was flipping through the channels and saw me doing an interview with one of our local Atheist groups.

She then said she prayed for me, I said..'oookkk.'  She went on to say she had a message for me and to remember, she's just the 'messenger.' I knew where this conversation was going.  I was told that 'god' (I'm assuming the xtian god), still loves me and that I was 'one of his finest.'

 Probably in any other context, I would have effusively thanked her-but it took every ounce of energy to maintain my facial expression.  I've known this woman for six years and she's always had my best interest at heart. However, when I was told (by her) that it was 'deadly' for her to deliver the message to me...something in me chipped away.  I looked at her and said, 'ummm...ok message delivered.'

It was sad in a way, because fear overcame her when she said it was 'deadly' for her to deliver the message to me.  I mean, wth was I supposed to say??  It also, brought to mind what I must have looked like when I claimed to be one of the xtian god's mouthpiece.  Throughout the day, yesterday, I was brought to sadness.  I felt sorry for my friend, because she not only feared for herself, it was obvious she feared for me.

I politely allowed her to finish speaking and she ended the conversation by saying, I looked pretty. :)

I am and will always be an Atheist. I'm not god's finest, but I assure everyone-I'm doing just fine!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Cousin (Update)

In a previous post, I had written about my cousin calling me in regards to her ailing mom.  Well, about a week and a half after the call, I was on a plane to sit in the hospital with my aunty-cousin, her mom (she's my cousin, but her and my mom had a sisterly bond).  When I got to the hospital, I was SHOCKED.  My aunty-cousin looked like a fraction of herself.  She was semi-conscious, and I think, she may have known I was there.  I'm not sure.

There was pressure on the day of my arrival, as the hospital was insistent that my aunt be transferred to another facility that day.  Around 11.30pm that night, the ambulance arrived so my aunt could be moved.  We got her comfortable at the new facility and left around 1.30am.  The next morning we were back at the facility to see my aunt and I noticed my aunt had diminished overnight.  She looked...dead to me.  Her eyes had a gray film and her hands were stiffened.  But, we put on a brave face and took care of my aunt-rubbing her, talking to her etc.  One of my aunty's tongue-talking-bible-thumping-wheezing sisters from the church came to the room to pray and lay hands on my aunt.  I gave the woman a look of pity as she tied her tongue in a knot as she spoke her spiritual gibberish and slathered that ungodly oil onto her forehead. smh  My dad came to the room to sit with us.

Shortly afterwards, my cousin and I had to leave and run errands.  When we returned to my d my aunt's room she was having a breathing treatment.  By that time, my other cousin had arrived and was holding the oxygen mask over my aunty's face as it kept slipping down her face.  She told we needed to massage my aunt in a certain way so as to increase her circulation.  While she was schoolin' us...my aunt's head slumped forward.

Time froze.

My aunt had just died.

She died in front of us.

She was gone that quick.  We were in the room all of four fucking minutes and she was gone.  Needless to say, I fucking lost it!

I would love to go into detail about the atrocious display of selfishness I witnessed after my aunt's death...but I'm too goddamn embarrassed.  I will say this-she had 9 christian siblings, a husband who's a deacon at the church, a church she was active in, but it  took her ATHEIST niece to put a spray of flowers across her casket.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Kids Are In Trouble...*Giggles*...

Unless you've just started following me, or your head's been up your ass (hey, I told you I curse like a sailor), then you know I'm a very very proud grandmother aka Suga Mama of my grandson, Blake (who's almost 2mos old).  My second grandson, Ryan, is due to make an appearance in October.

Anyhoo, I'm damn near 'stalkerish' when it comes to my grandson, Blake.  He has consumed  my life.  I create two-way conversations between he and I.  You don't believe me, ask his parents. ;)

Knowing Ryan will be here to complete our triune relationship, I think about our future.  I think about the times we'll spend together making cookies and brownies-bearing our truths among one another.  I think about our walks together where they'll ask me questions their parents won't answer.

I think about the day...the pivotal day when my grandsons will approach me and ask why I do not attend church.  Of course, if they're 4 or 5yrs old, their attention will be held for so long.  I will be concise and tell them church isn't for everyone and it's definitely not for their Suga Mama.  Or what will I say when they want to 'say grace' at my place?  My heart just skipped a beat!

One thing I can assure you, when the time comes to discuss church, god etc I'm going to be honest.  As they get older and question god, the bible-and they will-I will strongly advise my boys to QUESTION.  QUESTION everyone and everything...except ME! :D  I hope, I'm able to convey the importance of seeking knowledge, instead of accepting shit at face value.

Whether my suga babies are believers, agnostics, atheists, buddhists...WHATEVER path they choose, I want them to not only be happy-but I want them to KNOW WHY they've undertaken such beliefs. And as long as I'm around, I'll be there to not only challenge my grandchildren, but their parents as well.

Yours in Reason,

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Today: Family First, Atheist Second

A little over an hour ago, my sistercousinfriend called me from L.A. (I'm in Detroit).  We're biologically cousins, but we have a sisterly connection that my sister and I will never have.  Anyhoo, she called me distraught!  I was taken aback, because I haven't heard her cry since...shit, I don't think I've ever heard her cry.

Her mom's been in and out of the hospital due to heart/lung maladies.  Today, her mom said she's tired and wants to them to let her 'go home.'  Being devout christians, I knew mom meant go home as in 'go home to glory' not the crib! After my cousin paused, I said hesitantly: 'ummm T, I don't think I'm the right person to talk to about this.  You may want to call mama or my aunt, and talk to them about this. I'm definitely not the person you want to talk to.  I mean, you know how I feel about death and shit like that.'

Her reply?
'Bitch, just because you're an atheist doesn't mean I can't call your black ass and talk to you about my mama, shit!'  How can you NOT laugh??  lol

It's true she can call me and talk about her mom, but I only suggested speaking to someone else, because I'm not going to provide the proverbial godly comfort. My cousin knows how I feel about terminal illness, death etc.  She knows if my body is commandeered by a totally fucked up disease, I'm taking the alternate route and off'g myself.  I refuse to let a disease turn me into a blithering, demented sack of painful bones.  I'm very matter-of-fact about that-to everyone. If after 2nd and 3rd opinion, I'm terminal-I will accept the fact and spend time with my loved ones.  Once my body and mind rebels...Sayonara-no prayers, or god shit required.  Knowing that about myself, there's no way I'd spout christianese bullshit- we'll leave her in god's hands, I'll keep her in prayer, we're going to believe god for a miracle, this is a test of faith etc.  That godly shit needs to be taken care of by other family members!

After careful consideration, I reminded my cousin who her mother was-her mom was a successful  independent go-getter.  She's older now and her body is acting in a way beyond her control-she's scared!  Also, the constant in/out of hospital's taxing on the mind.  Mom's wanting to either heal the hell up or fucking die.  She's had enough of the mental yo-yo!

I also reminded her...since when has her mother asked people for permission to do anything?! lmao She had to laugh-I told her when her mother is truly ready to get out of here, she will TELL us she's leaving and she's not going to give a damn what we think!

I put my mom on 3-way and in her own quasi-spiritual way, she seemed to alleviate some of my cousin's stress.

In the end listening to my cousin, giving her a shoulder to lean/cry on reigned supreme over my atheistic thoughts on death-especially where her mother's concerned. Today, family first...atheist second.

Yours in reason,

Have NO Expectations...

Maybe it's the ungodly *teehee*hour in which I'm awake right now (3.32am) but this blog seems like an AWESOME idea!  I slept early as I had a busier than usual Saturday.  I walked in the UNCF 5k Walk for Education Charity (and it was warm, but worth it!)   I then hosted my very first Atheist Meet Up in Southfield, MI.  It was an intimate affair but thought provoking just the same.  I then stopped to get my nails done-everyone knows I wait until I have 3/4 in. of new growth and the acrylic has lifted to  the point where I  fear water will entrap and create a comfortable environment to host a fungus party on my nailbed before I take my procrastinating ass to the nail shop.  Saturdays are horrible...but whatever, my hair is now catching under the lifted acrylic.  I decided on the black laquer.  The manicurist who looked to be about 12 asked, 'you're wearing black polish in the summertime?'

blink blink

Apparently she doesn't know this woman who narrowly escaped the Jehovah's Witnesses cult, bore 2 children out of wedlock, only to come out as a lesbian, spent 5 years stripping,  later coming out as an atheist could care less about fucking rules, mores, etiquette and what not.  I felt compelled to ask, BITCH, and you are...???

Looking at her I replied,' yep.' My  nails look fabu, thank you very much ;)

I was mentally exhausted when I arrived home.  Although I already knew the answer, I came home looked at my dog Tahir and telepathically asked him-you don't REALLY have to go out and pee...do you???? He did. I took him out, he did his business and we returned home.

I passed out for the next 6 hours and here I am with a new ass blog. smh

It's funny if you think about it!

Yours in Reason,
BeautifulBlackAtheist :)